In a move straight from the movie Dogma, the Pope is replacing the traditional Jesus on a cross with the Buddy Christ. Although pressed for answers to why, his only answer was to blush and state “no comment.”

To find what was so upsetting that it would cause the Pope to blush, the reporters here at the Gazette spent many days and sleepless nights searching for anything disgusting, embarrassing, or pornographic regarding Catholics and Jesus on a cross. Needless to say, we were shocked at the staggering amount of Catholic Porn, but we did out best to go through each and every one. And not once did we even ask for overtime. (Then again when you don’t get paid, time and a half still doesn’t help.)

Finally we found the answer while dumpster diving for lunch. OK, kidding about that part…just making it up about finding the answer, (along with everything else in this newspaper.)

It was never written down, and only passed orally from one priest to another. Finally, thanks to Gay and Lesbian folks becoming accepted into mainstream culture, the secret is out.

For one minute, suspend your sense of religious outrage to what I’m about to say, and think about the simple fact that there is a nearly naked man on full display for anyone to see. Take away the crown of thorns, the cross, nails and blood, and not a single parent would accept that being the center of attention at their child’s school.

Now think about a young gay boy, being told to love and worship this naked guy, but not to get turned on by just how cut the dude was. No fat on Jesus the hunk.

It also slipped out that it wasn’t just the gay boys…it was the gay priests that got a little too lonely and way too excited.

So…look for a big announcement from the Vatican soon, and be looking for the Buddy Christ in a Mass near you.

Inside sources from the Trump campaign weren’t heard saying that the real reason Christie is being replaced as Transition director was because he failed to negotiate a suitable price when booking bands for the Trump Inauguration.

It is believed Christie also failed to stop the upcoming press statement from The Creator regarding their latest project. More on that once we confirm the complete lack of veracity of this report.

Regardless of incredibly uncredible sources, we are reporting that the instant President-elect Trump places his hand on a copy of The Art of the Deal to be sworn in, the Heavenly Hosts are scheduled to appear for a flash-mob concert and rave.

The Trump-ettes, famous from their universal gigs at drive-in movies everywhere, were on site today when President-elect Trump visited the White House for the first day of President school.

There were many complaints about the noise from the news cameras during the after school special news program, but we at the Gazette have discovered the noise was not caused by cameras as believed, but rather the Trump-ettes popping corn for the closing act.

For the second night in a row, thousands of unhappy, starving citizens have taken to the street to demonstrate against the high price of movie snacks, once again causing conflict between certain constituents and the Trump empire.  As of this report, the marchers have remained non-violent in a way that only starving peasants can.  The Gazette reporters all tip their hats (or spill their drinks) in respect for the protesters.